Wednesday, 15 October 2008

FIR

The following play is based on a true life incident. Any non-resemblance to real life characters is purely unintentional. [All references to the police is factual. Karnataka Police Force does really exist and contrary to the common misconception it is not mythical. The 'force' however is mythical].

Characters :
1) Techie Vith a Kinetic (VK)
2) Techie with a Beard (TB)
3) Konfused Extra-terrestrial Looking Andhrite (Kela)
4) SWeater WearINg policEman (Swine)
5) SOB (SOB)
6) Constable at the door

Scene One
The scene is that of a typical police station [HAL police station, Bangalore, if that helps]. Its 9:00am in the morning and the station wears a desolate look. A constable is standing just outside the door, his .303 rifle by his side, spoiled by disuse. Another runs with a cup of tea towards the SI's cabin, trying to make up for the time lost in ogling at a girl who had come to book a complaint. A third cop wearing a sweater stands by a table in the lobby shouting directions to two others.

VK walks up to the cop wearing a sweater (Swine) with TB close behind.



VK: Umm... saar!
Swine: [With a tone of indifference] Aa!? Whats the matter !?
VK: Saar, I've come to lodge an FIR ..
TB scratches his beard.
Swine: Why? Whaat happened?
VK: Cell phone was stolen yesterday [With resentment in his tone]
Swine: Oh [Smiles]. When, where...?
VK: Yesterday when I was getting into a bus in Marathalli, this chap flicked it out of my pocket and ...
Swine: Why dint you catch him ? [Still smiling]
VK: [Not knowing what to reply] Sir! But..
Swine: And how am I to know that you own the phone? You have any proof?
TB scratches his beard.
VK: Sir you want the bill? But I don't have it here now..
Swine: Great! Then get it [Smirks]
VK: Eh!? Fine... Thank you saar.

Scene Two
The time is 6:20pm. The police station is full of people now. The constable at the door is bored to death and contemplating using the rifle once - on himself. A constable at the table is busy resolving a feud. After an extended exchange of words, a compromise is arrived at he begins to write down statements from each of the witnesses. A lady is running in and out of the SI's cabin - a cell phone in one hand and a child in the other.

Enter VK and Kela.

10 mins pass by.
VK: Maga... En sheke!
Kela: [Swallows] Mmm..

20 mins pass by.

SOB finally finishes taking down statements and turns to the two fazed teenagers standing before him. One of them is tall and has curly hair. The other looks like ... well.. Kela.

SOB: Eah!? [Taking out another pad from inside his drawer and beginning to write]
VK: Saar... I had come in the morning. My cell was stolen yesterday in Marathalli. Came to lodge an FIR. Didn't have the bill then... Now I have aa...
SOB: Ok Ok Ok. Sit down [Continuing to write]
5 mins pass by and VK realizes that he's been a moron. He neither has a pen nor a sheet of paper.
VK: Saar... Pen illa , paper illa.
SOB: Then why did you come here?
VK:[Trying to sound as polite as possible] Sorry saar.. I din't know... I'm coming here for the first time. How am I supposed to know all this...
SOB: [Turning to Kela, grinning] Look! You're friend wants to lose his cell again..
Kela: [You joke sucks man. Mine are better ]
VK: Sorry saar.. but.. what should I write...

SOB explains the format of writing a complaint letter

SOB: ... and get a xerox kaapi also.
VK: Xerox aa!? Where can I get one saar?
SOB: Its close by.. I don't have paper to give you. Don't ask me for paper.

The two techies exit.


Scene Three
Its growing dark now and the Banglore traffic has reached its glorious peak. Cows on the footpaths are zippping at enviable speeds past vehicles on the road. The whole road looks like one big parking lot, albiet that the engines are still running and the drivers are horning.
At a xerox shop 1km away from the police station...

Kela: So now we have to write a complaint letter and make a copy!?
VK: Ya.
Kela: And so we have to take a xerox copy right !?
VK: [In an irate tone] Ya!
Kela: So you'll write the letter and then take a copy, right?
VK: [Now losing his temper] DUDE!! Whats the matter with you!!!?
Kela: What...? I just wanted to be sure man..
VK: Whatever dude! Don't get on my nerves for God's sake!!
Kela: Fine man.. Why do you get so angry...


Scene Four
Back at the police station, its grown dark now. The constable at the door in now eying a sturdy branch of a nearby jackfruit tree to hang himself. He has long given up on his .303 which refused to fire despite his best attempts (which to his horror was manufactured in 1913). But a look at the size of his abdomen is only adding to his apprehension of climbing the tree. SOB continues to write sitting at the table.

Enter two techies.

VK: Saar!
SOB: Eah!? You're back? Sit down, sit down..

Techies seat themselves on the chair opposite SOB.
10mins pass by and SOB ignores the two techies and continues to scribble on.
VK: [Gingerly pushing forward two copies of the complaint letter] Saar.. If you please ... Sir its past 7 and the Vodafone outlet ...
SOB: You're in a hurry!?
VK:[Scared] Saar... Its getting late sir.. If you please...
SOB: [Now smiling] If you are in a hurry, you should not come to a police station.
VK : Yes sir! But I want my SIM blocked. So if you please will...
SOB : Fine Fine...
Kela: [I'm so hungry!]
SOB browses the complaint letter.

SOB: What is this!!?? [Pointing to a line saying '...my mobile was stolen on...']
VK: Why!? [Acting confused]
SOB: You're phone was stolen!!? Do you even know what stolen means?
VK: Yes saar, I do.
SOB: What 'do'? Do you know who he is? Do you know his name?
VK: No [WTF]
SOB: Then! How can this be stolen ... You've to write it was LOST.
VK: Sir, but it was stolen right out of my pocket.
SOB: Yo! Take this letter of yours and go away. I can't take it if you argue non-sense with me like this. Talk to the SI otherwise!
VK: [Realizing things will not go his way] Sari saar... Sorry .. I'll cut that line out and sign against it. But then will I get my cell back?
SOB: I don't know.

SOB continues to read futher.

SOB: [Clearly irritated at being defied] And what is this!? I can't take your complaint. Take this away [Refering to '... request you to locate my cell phone at the earliest...']
VK: Yes sir! I want my cell phone back... Not just my SIM blocked.
SOB: Come tomorrow. Take this back. I can't take this!
VK: But saar..
SOB: NO! You may leave...

VK: [Looking at Kela and back at the constable again] Fine saar... I'll strike that out too.. Now my complaint will only says that I lost my cell and I want the SIM blocked...
Kela: [I'm so hungry!]
SOB: Ya.
VK: Sir.. but.. my phone...
SOB: Do you want me to accept this or not?
VK: [Striking out the offending line, feeling humiliated] Here you go...
SOB signs the letter and applies a rubber stamp seal.
VK: Thank you saar.... [With a hint of sarcasm in his tone, getting up from his chair]

SOB eyes the two of them waiting for either of them to pay up. But neither does, each acting more innocent than the other.

Scene Five
The vehicle parking outside the police station is deserted. Two techies exit the police station. One of them is fuming. The other is well.. Kela.

VK: [Steaming with anger] THAT #$@#$(*$@#*$!@#$+..... !!!!
Kela: [Nodding his head] Hey, we'll have dinner at home man...

13 comments:

Logik said...

All is well, but I didn't get this part,
"
Enter VK and Kela.

10 mins pass by.
VK: Maga... En sheke!
Kela: [Swallows] Mmm..

20 mins pass by.
"

You didn't even put an Obscenity Warning against the post.

And you people blasted me for putting Kela's name like that the other day.
He is paidayishi Doped, what can I do about it?

vk said...

I could not have thought of that even in the wildest of dreams dude! Boy o boy! And they talk about reading between the lines... No wonder!!

evilsense said...

Amazing read man, too bad we shld do all that :/ I have never lost a phone ( Because nobody wants to steal it - PV lost his cell two times in the room, they never touched mine :P )

I would want all this boring shit done online, making complaints and all, but I wonder if it happens anytime in near future...

@logik: duh, now I know how your brain works ( "what you see is how your brain is wired" theory)

vk said...

Hey actually the chennai cops had a mail id (cop@vsnl.net). You send a mail to that with all the details and they would track your phone!

Its technically feasible man.. Just that there is no willingness on the part of the authorities

Dha said...

http://entertainment.sitv.com/files/u99/PIGS.jpg

vk said...

That swine! :-D

Hashish said...

WTF was TB doing while all this ? was he going to some arbit websites and writing his bicycle adventures ?

vk said...

I think I've clearly mentioned it in Scene one.. He scratched his beard... TWICE!! :-D

Sandeep said...

SOB finally finishes taking down statements and turns to the two fazed teenagers standing before him. One of them is tall and has curly hair. The other looks like ... well.. Kela.

You ain't a teenager!! :)

vk said...

Oh ya!

I can resist adding the cliche - I'm still a teenager at heart :-D

Rakesh Babu G R said...

My worst encounter with a policeman was this. I was sleeping in my bedroom in my house. I had opened all the windows because it was hot, the table fan was creaking and I was paranoid that it will fall on me, and so had switched it off. Well, the windows are huge in size. I was sleeping happily. When this Kadamba jeep comes, and a policeman gets down , and taps the window and barks angrily as to why I had opened all the windows, and said angrily that you people open all windows and say later some robbery took place. Close the windows he ordered. I got up and said I wanted resh air. He said, if that is the case why don't you switch on your fan. I said it is my window, and I want it to be open, and if anything is indeed stolen we can see later, and went off to sleep. The policeman said to the one who was in the jeep. We'll see tomorrow about his guy. At that point I was sleepy, so i felt triumphant that I was like a rebel. Then after that I couldn't sleep at all. I had then recently seen a Vivek Oberoi flick where the policemen put a well-meaning guy in lockup (Vivek Oberoi) and I started imagining about how I was like him, and how I would face the policemen with a brave face if they do something. But then I started fearing if they lock me up in some solitary confinement or something. I couldn't sleep at all.

But then, the policemen never came. Probably he forgot where my house was. Probably he didn't feel insulted enough. Or he didn't care. Or he got scared.

vk said...

I'm not sure if that was courage or ignorance to be so brash... But I'm sure they couldn't have cared less about an arrogant adolescent. No wonder they didn't come back...

evilsense said...

@takaal: You are growing more paranoid day by day, it makes me wonder...