Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts

Thursday, 11 June 2009

Workplace Wisdom

Its been a year now, living a techie's life. Here's some wisdom that I mean to share.



[Hover mouse to appreciate]
Have you heard of this thing - which is like the slowest killer known to man. Our assasin is stealthier than a B2 bomber, yet slower than a field snail. In fact the victim is even paid for it. What's more, they even have a neat name for it. Its called a job.



[click to appreciate]
The tip of my hat to all the non-typical days at work. Its the typical day that bothers me.


[click to appreciate]
The perfect workplace is the one that has the right blend of all the constituents. For starters, here's a recipe.


And a tribute to the ubiquitous euphemisms and management jargon.

On a closing note, here's a thought:
They say Work is Worship.
So maybe its sufficient to be a theist,
We don't need to be saints.

Saturday, 16 May 2009

Go Green

[click to appreciate]
VK's... Helping people weed out troubles from their lives since 1986.

Tuesday, 7 April 2009

Wasted Talent

A mail landed in my inbox today morning. A spam mail - but as clean as a whistle. No wonder the spam filters couldn't get their hands onto it.

From : Elvis Jacob
I considered communicating to you through this medium believing that you will accept this offer in good faith. I am Elvis Jacob, the son of Jacob Lansana who lost his life on 22nd of December 2008, after a brief illness.
But the circumstance surrounding his death showed that he was poisoned as confirmed by the doctor. Before his death, he handed me over his will and the deposit information of the amount totalling 3.8 Million dollars which he deposited in a Finance house.
He told me that this money was meant for the development of his cocoa plantation and importing of machineries from his foreign partner in Europe for the development of the cocoa farm. So is not a drug or terrorist money. It is legal money.
My reason of contacting you is that according to his will, I cannot claim this money until I am 25yrs.
What I need from you is for you to stand as my foreign partner and receive this money and have it secure in your account in India until I come over to meet you. I will give you 10%. and you will also benefit from the investment. I took this brave decision because my uncles are after my life since their discovery that my late father willed all the money in my name.
I will give you further details as soon as I hear from you and how you can contact the bank director and open a direct communication with him as my foreign partner for the release and transferring of the fund into your account.
Elvis Jacob
Its surely a story way better than your typical "You have won a Sweepstakes lottery!!". Maybe its time he moved onto earning some white money from his weblog's Adsense.

Wednesday, 18 March 2009

Bachelor's Party

Even eligible females look for life partners...


Why then don't I ever see an ad like this one here?

Wednesday, 31 December 2008

Help for Burning Souls

This was back in NITK when I was in second year. I had decided to get a laptop to replace my then almost defunct desktop, which left me with this DVD writer to dispose of. I had purchased the DVD writer only months before and had no intentions of confining it to the dusty corners of my attic along with the desktop. As you'd expect, selling it off in college (for what I'd want to call a decent price) wasn't as easy. So had I came up with this saucy piece of ad , which I recently found in a seldom visited folder on my comp. It makes quite a read. Read on.


Help For "BURNING" Souls
Does your saga sound very much like this??
  1. I shell out 10-12 rupees for just 700MB(i.e. a whopping RS 1.6/100MB) on CDs
  2. I move around the block with my hard disk just to transfer a few gigs
  3. My comp is old and has a mere 40GB HD & a screwed up CD ROM (ok..ok.. a CD writer)
  4. I wanna burn a few gr8 movies that I’ve just seen but the very thought of burning 5-6 CDs is punishing
  5. I've come across great DVD rips but then putting all of them onto my HD would be suicidal
There’s a panacea for all this...A DVD Writer.
  • Almost 5 GB off your HD with just one burn
  • Neatly burn 4-5 movies into just one disk
  • By using DVDs you spend a paltry 36ps/ 100 MB as compared to 1600ps/ 100 MB for a dumb CD. Dirt cheap, isn't it??
  • With a DVD RW you can conveniently take 5GB anywhere u want (Without searching for that screw driver)
  • With a double layer DVD you free up a mammoth 8.5 GBs in just 1 session (That’s 1/4 the HD space for quite a few of us)
By now u must be thinking "Yeah, yeah! That’s very sweet but i cant spend 3.5k. Besides I don’t have the time to go and get one". That’s exactly where this DVD writer of mine comes in. Its that much needed remedy for ur problems. The specs go like this:
  • SONY Q28A DVD+-RW Dual Layer(IDE/ EIDE)
  • Supported CD Format: CD Text, CD-Extra, CD-ROM Mode1, Photo-CD, Video CD, CD, Audio CD
  • Supported DVD Format: DVD-ROM, DVD- Video, DVD+/-R, DVD+/-RW
  • Supported Writing Standard: CD-R, CD-RW, DVD+/-R, DVD+/-RW, DVD+R DL (Double Layer)
  • Buffer Size: 2 MB
  • Features: Emergency Disk Eject Hole
I've only used it for 4 months and so its really NEW (The warranty is still there). Keeping in mind ur budget constraints, I’ve put a very modest tag of Rs 2850/- on it. The offer doesn’t sound true?? Well it is. Pinch yourself once and then call me .I'll do a door delivery for you. Achtung!!: Don’t waste time pinching or you'll miss out.

VINAYAK KAMATH K
Mob: 9448xxxxxx


I was convinced that my pitch had been perfect and even the penny pinching NITKian who might think twice before giving the second Chlormint he'd got at the co-ops in lieu of Re.1 change (or the lack of it) to his friend would fall for it. But I was proved wrong.

Enter jugaad. I realized that the average NITKian doesn't care if the DVD writer is in his comp, or belongs to the guy next door or some black guy with a squint from the adjacent block whom he'd once seen having Maggi at Sunder's many a times. As long as there is a writer somewhere, it was sufficient. Where didn't matter. Only there did.

I had learnt my lesson and the penny pinching NITKian and his buddy continued to suck on the Chlormint blissfully, discussing about the pleasantly large number of fresher girls that year.

Tuesday, 28 October 2008

Cover Story

This one will sound like yet another of those rags to riches story.

She was an orphan, abandoned within a week of her birth. She was however adopted, along with her twin sister, by a caring elderly couple. Her other two siblings were however not as lucky, and met a brutal death. Perhaps it was her luck ... or was it?

She's as beautiful as beautiful gets. Loving and charming as she is, her beauty would not go unnoticed for long. Not much later, in August 2008, she was splashed onto the cover pages of the highly regarded fashion tabloid Chique - a place coveted by the likes of Gisele Bündchen, and someplace where even Indian belles like Aishwarya haven't been able to make it.




[Image rollover may not occur when viewed via feeds]


For more stunning pictures of this prodigy, please follow this link.

Wednesday, 15 October 2008

FIR

The following play is based on a true life incident. Any non-resemblance to real life characters is purely unintentional. [All references to the police is factual. Karnataka Police Force does really exist and contrary to the common misconception it is not mythical. The 'force' however is mythical].

Characters :
1) Techie Vith a Kinetic (VK)
2) Techie with a Beard (TB)
3) Konfused Extra-terrestrial Looking Andhrite (Kela)
4) SWeater WearINg policEman (Swine)
5) SOB (SOB)
6) Constable at the door

Scene One
The scene is that of a typical police station [HAL police station, Bangalore, if that helps]. Its 9:00am in the morning and the station wears a desolate look. A constable is standing just outside the door, his .303 rifle by his side, spoiled by disuse. Another runs with a cup of tea towards the SI's cabin, trying to make up for the time lost in ogling at a girl who had come to book a complaint. A third cop wearing a sweater stands by a table in the lobby shouting directions to two others.

VK walks up to the cop wearing a sweater (Swine) with TB close behind.



VK: Umm... saar!
Swine: [With a tone of indifference] Aa!? Whats the matter !?
VK: Saar, I've come to lodge an FIR ..
TB scratches his beard.
Swine: Why? Whaat happened?
VK: Cell phone was stolen yesterday [With resentment in his tone]
Swine: Oh [Smiles]. When, where...?
VK: Yesterday when I was getting into a bus in Marathalli, this chap flicked it out of my pocket and ...
Swine: Why dint you catch him ? [Still smiling]
VK: [Not knowing what to reply] Sir! But..
Swine: And how am I to know that you own the phone? You have any proof?
TB scratches his beard.
VK: Sir you want the bill? But I don't have it here now..
Swine: Great! Then get it [Smirks]
VK: Eh!? Fine... Thank you saar.

Scene Two
The time is 6:20pm. The police station is full of people now. The constable at the door is bored to death and contemplating using the rifle once - on himself. A constable at the table is busy resolving a feud. After an extended exchange of words, a compromise is arrived at he begins to write down statements from each of the witnesses. A lady is running in and out of the SI's cabin - a cell phone in one hand and a child in the other.

Enter VK and Kela.

10 mins pass by.
VK: Maga... En sheke!
Kela: [Swallows] Mmm..

20 mins pass by.

SOB finally finishes taking down statements and turns to the two fazed teenagers standing before him. One of them is tall and has curly hair. The other looks like ... well.. Kela.

SOB: Eah!? [Taking out another pad from inside his drawer and beginning to write]
VK: Saar... I had come in the morning. My cell was stolen yesterday in Marathalli. Came to lodge an FIR. Didn't have the bill then... Now I have aa...
SOB: Ok Ok Ok. Sit down [Continuing to write]
5 mins pass by and VK realizes that he's been a moron. He neither has a pen nor a sheet of paper.
VK: Saar... Pen illa , paper illa.
SOB: Then why did you come here?
VK:[Trying to sound as polite as possible] Sorry saar.. I din't know... I'm coming here for the first time. How am I supposed to know all this...
SOB: [Turning to Kela, grinning] Look! You're friend wants to lose his cell again..
Kela: [You joke sucks man. Mine are better ]
VK: Sorry saar.. but.. what should I write...

SOB explains the format of writing a complaint letter

SOB: ... and get a xerox kaapi also.
VK: Xerox aa!? Where can I get one saar?
SOB: Its close by.. I don't have paper to give you. Don't ask me for paper.

The two techies exit.


Scene Three
Its growing dark now and the Banglore traffic has reached its glorious peak. Cows on the footpaths are zippping at enviable speeds past vehicles on the road. The whole road looks like one big parking lot, albiet that the engines are still running and the drivers are horning.
At a xerox shop 1km away from the police station...

Kela: So now we have to write a complaint letter and make a copy!?
VK: Ya.
Kela: And so we have to take a xerox copy right !?
VK: [In an irate tone] Ya!
Kela: So you'll write the letter and then take a copy, right?
VK: [Now losing his temper] DUDE!! Whats the matter with you!!!?
Kela: What...? I just wanted to be sure man..
VK: Whatever dude! Don't get on my nerves for God's sake!!
Kela: Fine man.. Why do you get so angry...


Scene Four
Back at the police station, its grown dark now. The constable at the door in now eying a sturdy branch of a nearby jackfruit tree to hang himself. He has long given up on his .303 which refused to fire despite his best attempts (which to his horror was manufactured in 1913). But a look at the size of his abdomen is only adding to his apprehension of climbing the tree. SOB continues to write sitting at the table.

Enter two techies.

VK: Saar!
SOB: Eah!? You're back? Sit down, sit down..

Techies seat themselves on the chair opposite SOB.
10mins pass by and SOB ignores the two techies and continues to scribble on.
VK: [Gingerly pushing forward two copies of the complaint letter] Saar.. If you please ... Sir its past 7 and the Vodafone outlet ...
SOB: You're in a hurry!?
VK:[Scared] Saar... Its getting late sir.. If you please...
SOB: [Now smiling] If you are in a hurry, you should not come to a police station.
VK : Yes sir! But I want my SIM blocked. So if you please will...
SOB : Fine Fine...
Kela: [I'm so hungry!]
SOB browses the complaint letter.

SOB: What is this!!?? [Pointing to a line saying '...my mobile was stolen on...']
VK: Why!? [Acting confused]
SOB: You're phone was stolen!!? Do you even know what stolen means?
VK: Yes saar, I do.
SOB: What 'do'? Do you know who he is? Do you know his name?
VK: No [WTF]
SOB: Then! How can this be stolen ... You've to write it was LOST.
VK: Sir, but it was stolen right out of my pocket.
SOB: Yo! Take this letter of yours and go away. I can't take it if you argue non-sense with me like this. Talk to the SI otherwise!
VK: [Realizing things will not go his way] Sari saar... Sorry .. I'll cut that line out and sign against it. But then will I get my cell back?
SOB: I don't know.

SOB continues to read futher.

SOB: [Clearly irritated at being defied] And what is this!? I can't take your complaint. Take this away [Refering to '... request you to locate my cell phone at the earliest...']
VK: Yes sir! I want my cell phone back... Not just my SIM blocked.
SOB: Come tomorrow. Take this back. I can't take this!
VK: But saar..
SOB: NO! You may leave...

VK: [Looking at Kela and back at the constable again] Fine saar... I'll strike that out too.. Now my complaint will only says that I lost my cell and I want the SIM blocked...
Kela: [I'm so hungry!]
SOB: Ya.
VK: Sir.. but.. my phone...
SOB: Do you want me to accept this or not?
VK: [Striking out the offending line, feeling humiliated] Here you go...
SOB signs the letter and applies a rubber stamp seal.
VK: Thank you saar.... [With a hint of sarcasm in his tone, getting up from his chair]

SOB eyes the two of them waiting for either of them to pay up. But neither does, each acting more innocent than the other.

Scene Five
The vehicle parking outside the police station is deserted. Two techies exit the police station. One of them is fuming. The other is well.. Kela.

VK: [Steaming with anger] THAT #$@#$(*$@#*$!@#$+..... !!!!
Kela: [Nodding his head] Hey, we'll have dinner at home man...

Friday, 22 August 2008

iPhone(y)

What do you call a bunch of guys who spend the night of 21st August 2008 at a consumer electronics outlet trying to get their hands on a 3G 'smart' device for over INR 31,000 that does not let you so much as

  • Forward a text message
  • Single button speed dial
  • Copy-paste a line of text
  • Send an SMS to multiple recipients
  • Listen to FM Radio
  • Record video
  • Send MMS
  • Set an mp3 track as your ringtone
  • Share files over bluetooth
  • Support Java or Flash
  • Support voice dialing
  • Change your cell phone operator
  • Use it as a wireless modem (when you are shelling out by the thousands every month)
I don't care what you call them. But I call them JERKS.

For all the hype and hoopla surrounding it, the apple iPhone is nothing short of a white elephant. Over priced and over hyped, its just not what the Indian market wants. If you're gonna tell me to look at the initial sales figures that should be out in a weeks time, let me tell you. All the initial sales that it is raking in are from the media hype and the popularity of it being an Apple phone. If one were to consider the functionality keeping value for money in prespective, a Nokia 1200 would fare much much better. Its reported that over 2 lakh consumers have registered for the iPhone already. But what they don't tell you was the figures are from the registrations that began way before the prices were announced.


Imagine having to turn to i-tunes for even trivial things like a petty currency converter. Isn't that just outrageous, when there are thousands of wonderful free java applications out there? What is even worse is you cannot connect to iTunes through your iPhone. You need a mac or a PC to do that. God! Thanks to Google, iPhone now has atleast has an IM client. And in the worst case, (if were still using it for the sole reason of having spent a fortune on it) if you had to change the battery after a year, you can't just do it by yourself. Yet again, get down on your knees and ask Apple to do it for you. And if you are still convinced that you want to get one, go surrender yourself into servility. God help you.

So Ms. Swathi, in case you're thinking that you've just made an achievement of a lifetime by buying the first iPhone, well... I'm sorry. I think you're just a nitwit.

Getting ripped off has never been this easy*...


PS: There can be no better personification of the saying ಜನ ಮರುಳೋ ಜಾತ್ರೆ ಮರುಳೋ

*Conditions Apply

Friday, 18 July 2008

Blogs from Bollywood

First it was SRK. Then BigB and the all too entertaining Lalu joined in. Now its Aamir and supposedly even Abhishek. I couldn't have cared less. First they make news by announcing that they are blogging, sending the whole blogosphere into a searching frenzy, with the media not far behind. And then not much later you hear reports of blog abuse and a string of allegations and apologies/denials flying back and forth. Lalu's blog takes the shape of a handy complaint box and Amitabh's finding it hard to moderate and maintain his.

Take for example Amitabh Bachchan's blog. The design is hideous to say the least. From what I gathered, not many of the visitors even bother to read what has been posted. Not that the litter he sends at ungodly hours is worth reading. But frankly, the hundreds of comments are what captured my attention more than what he had to say. Its like people have been given a self addressed letter from their idol himself. So the comments contain everything from praises, blessing and love messages to suggestions of movie scripts and biodatas! Have a look..
#1
HI……….
Dear sir
i want meat you coz you know..? you are vry mch possitive and kindly personality [Hey boss! KFC's prtty dessent... Try it]

#2
Respected sir,
My self pardeep bhardwaj iam frm manali. I met u in manali at span resort when u was there at shooting of shoe bite. I met u in ur room through ur friend nana markovich. She was very nice to me and help me a lot in meeting with u. Sir, i am the same guy who had given u lord ganesha for good luck. As u kown that i am true devotee of lord ganesha and lord vishnu. Sir, u had promised me that we will meet once again but unfortunately some pupil had hit ur house and u have to rush to ur house frm shimla. I want to request u something that i could’nt do on that day. Please sir i had given this i-d specially frm nana. She said that know u can mail him directly and tell him ur request. I want to request u that i want to be the part of ur movie world. I got a belive that one day i can also be the good actor of silver screen. please help me out. waiting for ur reply.
Jai ganesha [I got another belive dude.. Try giving Laksmi in next time]


#3
media is using as for mivies like black/sarakar raj, now using as blogger, which media is doing i know this, how much u r making money, who is paying u for blogger i want to know that media with worm regards [No cimments!]


#4
i had information that you had taken around 125 crores for register in bigadda [So you think bigadda is worth 125 crore? Wonderful!]


#5
Mr. B, you didn’t answer my question about The Last Lear and why it has only been screened at festivals and not released for the general public, but it’s all good considering you probably have a ton of posts to reply to. My next question is regarding the... [Keep asking, keep asking.. The more the merrier]


#6
SRK IS SUCH A GREAT IDIOT .HE DO NOT YHAT TO WHOM HE IS COMPARING HIM SELF .HE IS A GREAT BASTERED . [Ya.. that son of a beach...]


#7
HI, AMIT JEEEEEEEE . I M A HUGE FAN OF YOUR’S .[Hey try the bold and italics too dude!]


#8
sirji
aapka reply
kaha dekhuuuuuuuuuu [ghar aake dekh lo beta]



The media is happy. The icons are getting all the adulation that they cannot live without. The fans are in blissful revelry. As long as the comments keep pouring in, I'm guaranteed my share of entertainment. Why complain. Turn up the volume... Let the party continue!

Saturday, 24 May 2008

Sar-Pass Trek Moments

Starting Point: Banglore
Destination: Sar Pass (Bangalore - Delhi - Kalka - Shimla - Manali - Kasol - Sar Pass - Kasol - Delhi - Bangalore)
Distance : Almost 2600kms
Conveyance: Train (Bangalore - Delhi - Kalka - Shimla) and (Delhi - Bangalore)
Bus (Shimla - Manali - Kasol ) and (Kasol - Kullu - Delhi)
Highlights: Sar Pass (13, 800ft in the Shivaliks), white water rafting at Phirdi (near Kullu), Manikaran, Rohtang Pass, Solan Valley and Delhi (Birla Mandir, Jantar Mantar, Qutub Minar, Louts Temple / Bahai Temple, India gate, Rashtrapati Bhavan etc)
Date: March 31 '08 to May 19 '08
Approx cost: Rs 9000/-
[The following is an account of our trek, a travelogue to put it otherwise. In case you are looking for some serious trekking tips, you'll find them here]

2nd December 2007. We were walking back leisurely, down the mountain slopes of Mt. Thadiyandamol having made it to the top. The common feeling was that we'd been on a couple of treks in and around Karnataka but there had to been one really big one to cap it all. It would have to be somewhere in N.India, if possible in the Himalayas; probably once our graduation was complete. Fast forward 5 months to 31st April. Yashwantpur Railway Station. The day had arrived. We were going on a trek to Sar Pass situated at 13,800ft in the Shivaliks. The 8 of us were eagerly waiting to get onboard the Sampark Kranti: Ajay, Akella, Ashish, Sagar, Sanjay, Shappa, Sharath (Ajay's brother) and myself. All the preparations were complete and the wait was finally over. It had all begun...
[Though I initially set out giving a detailed account of the whole trip, I realised it was futile. One because it would be so long and boring to read. And secondly, it would serve no purpose. So, here are some of the highs and memorable points of the trek...



Snug Socks
The day before we were to leave, we'd all gone to Shivajinagar to shop. We'd bought the all too essential thermals, Hunter shoes, rucksack (it's still just a bag!) and other smaller items like woolen gloves and monkey caps at an army store here. Sagar joined us late. So when it was his turn to try out the shoes, he sat wiggling his toes wearing just a pair of woolen socks. When asked to try out the shoes, he replied "Wait, I just wanna see if the socks size is right first." [Is that how you define a social retard? I'd definitely say YES]



Enter, The Chakkamaster
As it turned out, Ashish was a hit among the transsexuals(हिजडाs), earning him the title of The Chakkamaster. He was so badly extorted (and harassed in more than one way) by the visiting shemales that the sound of a clap would send him scurrying to the restroom or elsewhere. It was definitely a 'touching' experience dude. Oops!! [They never really came back despite those extra 10 bucks you paid them, did they!?]




The Himalayan Queen
We had taken the Kalka-Shimla Himalayan Queen. Its a beautiful route. As the train slowly winds upwards along the mountain sides, splendid views unfold. A honeymoon couple in our coach couldn't have cared less about the scenery. They were busy putting each of the (long dark) tunnels to good use! Here are some interesting facts I found.

The Kalka-Shimla Railway built to connect, the summer capital of India in 1903 at an altitude of 2076 meters offers a panoramic feast to experience the grandeur of the picturesque Himalayas from the shivalik foot hills at Kalka to several important points such as Dharampur, Solan, Kandaghat, Taradevi, Barog, Salogra, Summerhill, Shimla and beyond up to the silvery snow line near the towering peaks.
Kalka-Shimla-Railway runs through 102 tunnels, some of which have hoary tales to tell. For instance, the longest tunnel at Barog, named after the engineer in charge of construction, bears the blood of it's creator who apparently committed suicide after making a mistake in laying the alignment.
This tunnel is 1143.61 meters long and remained the second longest tunnel on Indian Railways for a long time. It is a straight tunnel, passing through fissured sand stone.
Another tunnel at Taradevi, cutting through a hill on the peak of which is a famous temple, tells of the local superstition of the day that the Goddess would never permit it's construction. When construction was half through, great excitement arose from reported sightings of a huge serpent in the tunnel that had emerged to stop the work. Anti climatically the reptile turned out be a long iron pipe running along the tunnel to convey fresh air.
Source: http://www.shimla-travel.com/shimla_railway.shtml




Fire Fire, Camp Fire
YHAI has this tradition of conducting "campfires"(which is a misnomer thanks to their no-fire/burning wood policy) every evening before retiring to bed. Though intended to be a mixed bag of talks, songs and dramas promoting national integration, it usually nothing but a string of n songs sung in m languages.
Intending to break the monotony at the base camp, we came up with an almost offhand skit. Stupid would an understatement and flop would be an incomplete description of this skit. It involved an interview of celebrities like Rajani, Laalu, AB Vajpayee and Shatrugan Sinha [With Shaktiman spinning in to drop words of wisdom ... 'Sorry Shaktimaan' ] visting the camp. Shappa playing Shatrugan was the worst performer who could not deliver anything more than "KHAMOSH!!". What a pity. An intermediate commercial featured a hutch commercial with Sagar playing the pug. As it turned out, the next day a guy curiously enquired.... "वह hutch का ad तो समाज मैं आया... पर उस आदमी के पीछे वह दूसरा लड़का ऐसे ऐसे करके (pointing to Sagar, demonstrating crawling) क्या कर रहा था?".
A number of exquisite regional songs were sung during the course of the entire trek as a part of campfire, (the lyrics of hit ones being even discussed on the google groups). The "Maharahstra Maaza..." song was so very feared/loathed (my humble apologies to all the मठ्ठाs) due to its innumerable recitals that a mention of the song would send the crowd into a frenzy! The "campfires" however were memorable, particularly the last one of SP-6 at Bandhak Thach which went on and on with junta singing every imaginable Hindi song to prevent the gathering from ending. What followed after dispersing is only known to a limited (male) population. [Grinnn] Had we really had the luxury of an actual fire in each of the higher camps, the joys that we'd have got would have been unparalleled.




Señor Sanjay
Owing to his elderly looks (thanks to his peppered hair mainly) Sanjay was regarded as the "Senior Member". So much so that he was even asked "अंकल, time क्या हुआ?" once at the base camp. As he himself admits, working his charm on the fairer sex has never been one of his specialities (nor has writing a test to get an LL). Only bearing witness to the point is this incident that happend one morning as we coming back after our exercise. As Sanjay, Ashish and I walked up to this store in Kasol market, the fervent Ashish made the mistake of asking a bunch of girls standing at the door (who belonged to the previous group of our very own Sar-Pass trek) if woolen gloves were available. Oops! Sanjay stepped in [smart!] introducing the three of us. Well... the reply? She said, "Sorry. We are from SP-5 !!". I never said he was trying to hit on her! Anyway, every cloud has a silver lining. Sanjay did get a complement compliment on the concluding day from that he didn't look all that aged. He was only more mature! Now Sanjay uncle, that is some reason to cheer up...




Sagar's sheke moment
Sagar, who's coined our all time favourite word sheke ( actually meaning stilfling or sultry in kannada but used to refer to uncomfortable/ unbearable/ awkward instances ) was in the middle of the ultimate sheke himself. On the day we came back from the trek to the base camp, Meetaji proposed eating out at one of the many fancy restaurants in Kasol. As a matter of their names are fancy like for example Namasteji Dhaba, Gipsy(!) and Free Kasol (Shappa's type) and many others that I could not even read. They claimed to serve varied cusines, half of which were not even spelt right on their boards. We chose a decent looking place and ordered Israeli dishes ... Pita with Thina, Shakshuka etc, veg lapha yada yada. In the meantime, one of the girls, Tanvi, bought a chocolate cake for the birthday girl in our group, Gritika, who had had to settle for a dung cake in the morning at our camp site in Bandak Thach. On our return to the base camp following the dinner that evening, as the girls eagerly prepared to surprise Gritika by presenting her the cake at the camp fire. As we all sat at the back pretending to listen to yet another fellow crooning up front , the all too eager Sagar stopped Tanvi as she was walking past us, unaware that even Gritika the birthday girl was with her! Presuming that the girls were planning on having a private party in their tents and that the party was even over, he asked out aloud, "Is any of the chocolate cake still left !?", to which Gritika turned around puzzled demanding, "What cake !!?" Sagar's ultimate sheke moment! Man!! Poor guy had a nice time trying to apologize when she came around later to distrubute the cake. [Dude... that piece of cake was definitely not worth the sheke, was it!?]



Of tiffs and titles
One of the interesting turnouts of having 8 people going on an extended vacation trip were the constant bickerings. The star cast included Shappa as the lead star, with Ashish , myself and Sagar playing sidekicks. There wasn't a day without a spat. Notable highs include Shappa holding Ashish by the neck in the Kullu bus station (which I was unfortunate enough to not witness), Ashish awarding me the title of an 'arrogant snob' on the lawns of the Red Fort for commenting on him and the Sagar-Ashish spat early one morning in the Sampark Kranti with Sagar declaring Ashish as 'the biggest opportunist he'd ever met', all obviously followed by awkward silences and the following round of loud audible sighs. Also worth a mention are the innumerble rebukes dished out by the owner of non-braned slippers to the elite owners of branded slippers (read Reebok) for wearing their slippers when having to visit privy. Needless to say, this was an endless source of entertainment to spectators of these squabbles. Well, I remarked on these constant bickerings... No wonder dates go well, but when it comes to marriges... thats when all the trouble begins.



Nomenclature
Speaking of titles, by the end of our trip. Almost every one had an alias. You've already been introduced to The Chakkamaster. He's also known as 'The Elitist' for his pseudo distinction, or what is colloquially referred to as 'level'. Sagar goes by the name 'Sheke Master' / 'Sheke Raja' in honour of the term sheke coined by him. There is of course our very own 'Senior Member'. In addition to these, there is 'Kela' aka 'Banena' (mind the spelling) aka 'Jaadu'; the first two nicks derived from his name and the third from his outfit resembling the alien from KMG. Its my pleasure to introduce to you 'The Kuchh Master', so named to honour his impeccable talent to kachh on almost any topic under the sun. Jokes apart, he's our travel guide and source of all necessary information. The notorious Shappa is fondly referred to as 'CET No. 1' and 'ಕೋಣ' owing to his physique and beautifully sculpted features. He was christened Shappu/Sharanappu in Kalka due to the uncanny resemblance of his paunch with that of Appu, the railway gaurd. Sharath remained Sheru. As for me, 'The Cashier' or 'The Accountant', I had some (what I like to call) controversial names. They shall hence not be posted until proven otherwise. [Sorry guys! Out here MY decision is final and binding...]



Hits and misses
Given the existence of ladies in the groups, happenings were inevitable. Gossips, theories, conspiracy theories... they were all there. Ashish got to an early start, trying hard to get into the groove with the acclamatisation walk itself. It was a great script. Not surprisingly and not unlike the never ending Hindi soaps, the story went on and on and on and but nothing happened... albeit that there used to numerous monologues during the treks and a few rare dialogues. I'll let you know if the last episode is anywhere in sight and the tale gets anywhere near an ending. I myself was accused of puttax-ing a particular somebody, which I vehemently denied saying that it was just mutual friendship and nothing more. Well well... I shall stop here. I hope my critics rest in peace. Our very own CET No.1 had his moments with an entire bevy from Shimoga who just would not have enough of his shall I say, 'all-round' personality. They were full of adoration fand adulation for our hero, especially during the evening tea when they always surrounded him and enquired about the things not known to me. [... ... But Shappa is an honourable man... ...]




Rooftop Rides
The first time it happened was when we had to take a bus from Bhuntar to Kasol, our base camp. We were 8 in number, each one having atleast 2 bulky pieces of luggages. The bus conductor on seeing us asked us to get on top. We were more than happy to oblige. The ride was exhilarating. Not only that, it gave us an opportunity no shutterbug would want to miss. However we were asked to get down midway when seats were vacated in the bus. While the rest patiently got down the ladder, Sagar and I found an easy way down, by leaping off the bus to a nearby building and then taking the stairs down! On reaching the base camp we realized that rooftop rides to the base camp were almost the norm. Damn!


Next was the journey from the base camp to Unch Dar - the starting point of our trek. As all the 53 members of SP-6 waited for a bus, the 8 of us spoke in hushed voices as to what the best algo would be to get to the top first. A bus soon arrived and almost everybody went for the top!! It turned out that the bus would not go to Unch Dhar and hence everyone's evil motive was now exposed. The intentions were now an open secret and it was a open competition. The next bus that came along was the right bus. The driver was smart and brought the bus to a halt 50m ahead of where the crowd was waiting, triggering a mad dash. I made it first to the ladder and the roof, with Sagar (and a dog which was at his heels) coming in a close second. Within no time, the whole roof was packed to capacity. No points for guesssing how the ride went. Sitting up front on the roof of a bus is like sitting in a ship's crows nest. The difference being that we have to look out for live wires and branches rather than ice bergs or oncoming ships. No matter what, it was indeed a joy ride.







When mother nature beckoned...
One of the of challanges of the expedition (more than the trek itself) was answering nature's calls. Compounding the problem of inexistence of potties was the necessity of having to use toilet paper. And hence the anxiety in anticipation of the first experince was harrowing to most. Topping the list was Ashish, whose worst fears came out true. Details have to be censored. His plight became an endless source of entertainment to us. The rest of us answered mother nature's calls without any untoward incidents. By the end of the trek, we were all adept at this newly acquired art. All said and done, the return to base camp and use of "modern facilites" was a feeling of joy and relief beyond words. Water at last!! [Passing thought: Aren't guy's lucky ?]





Hygiene... The elusive word
Hygiene is a myth out there in those heights. Going without a bath for 8 days!? Uggh! Can't even dare to imagine that here. But out there it doesn't seem like an issue. The temperature is always in the single digits, sometimes sub-zero. The water comes from nearby streams and more often than not it is at 0°C. So any chores like brushing teeth or washing dishes lead numb, dead finger tips - temporary, of course. Many an intelligent beings deviced innovative solutions like skipping the rituals of brushing and washing dishes before and/or after eating. Black filthy hands and unkempt finger nails, greasy oil-coated dishes and unwashed glasses were not uncommon. Worse still, the day we crossed over Sar Pass, we suffered massive sun burns. We were badly tanned and in a couple of days the skin was peeling off. We were a mess. Shruti told me, "Arrey I have not seen myself in a mirror for a week now. I feel like a guy!". Such was the plight. One of the first things we did on getting back to base camp was see our battered faces in the mirror. What a gory sight !




Night Life
In the higher camps up in the mountains, there is no electricity. So bedtime was as early as 8:00pm. But we people, so used to retiring to bed in the wee hours of the day found it a tad difficult to follow. So we'd usually spend time discussing stuff, cracking jokes or in the worst case singing in the comforts of our sleeping bags which got warmer and cosier with time, until almost everyone was asleep or pretended to sleep. The latter case is of specific interest because when it came to joke sessions, it was not uncommon for a sleeping back in some corner of the tent to suddenly start trembling.
Again mention worthy is our hero, Ashish who had a particular aversion to ghost stories and the like. This was exploited to the fullest extent possible by the 3 Gujjus who shared the tent with us in the initial days and then the Matthas. The Gujjus made sure that our hero was ragged when they left and the Matthas joined us, in order to satisy the mathematics of tent sharing. One particular incident of interest here is the day the Matthas first joined us. As the Gujjus had informed them beforehand, they made it a point to discuss spirits and ghosts after lights out. But after Ashish's angry retorts, they continued in Marathi. After about 5 mins poor little Ashish was heard telling Sagar, "Dude, those $@#$!@$$ are discussing in Marathi. My mother tongue is Konkani and I can fully comprehend what these people are discussing!".
Shappa on the other hand commendably made constructive use of these off hours. He discussed and got some extremely precious lessons from one of the Gujjus (who was married) on how to deal with his ... umm... life. Well the inputs to the combinatorial circuit has been given. We are all waiting for the outputs. [Hey don't forget to send us the invitations!]




Never miss an opportunity
In north India, the single best thing is the tasty tea that they
make anywhere and everywhere. And up in the Himalayas at near and sub zero temperatures, there is nothing better than a cup to hot tea and a pack of biscuits (read Parle-G) to pep one up. Tea-aholic Shappa never missed an opportunity to have a cup of his favourite beverage anywhere. From tea-stalls on railway stations to shops at our tea-points during the trek, he's graced every other tea making shop with his benevolence. Tea was unlimited always at all camps, which brings us to the next logical conclusion - Shappa enjoyed the trek thoroughly.




Tele-vision
There was never a dearth of breathtaking sceneries. Ever. As time passes, each scenery changes from one glorious form to another. Never still. Never monotonous. Changing direction of sight was like switching channels. While sipping onto a cup of hot tea, all one had to do was sit back and watch as the clouds languidly moved from one peak to another, spelling magic with the sun rays filtering through. Its just beyond words... Just get there and watch it yourself!

Monday, 11 June 2007

The Squeaking Tree

A month in Bengaluru(!!) and I'm learning lessons. And some were taught to me as well. I would love to share them... (for the benefit of the larger masses that is). Any resemblance to instances in real life is purely intentional.


Lesson no. 1: Hamare dhande main na bandook chalti hai, na bomb, na chaaku...chalta hai to sirf ek cheez....dimaag (If that sounds familiar, it plainly means that I'm already on the road to fame....ha ha... no master..I am just bluffing). The lesser known ones are...

* Unity is strength. If you want to cross an overtly busy road, be sure you are a part of a bunch and not alone. Road kills are a common occurence but serial killings are relatively uncommon on roads.
* Skywalks are beautiful pieces of civil engineering. Hey, why do they build them... any guesses??
* BMTC busses are like troubles. They are either non-existent or there's an entire barrage of them.
* Theory of Lativity. By the manifestation of a largely unknown force of nature, your daily bus is late on days that you are on time. And on few of those rare occasions that you are late, the bus is punctual to the second.
* A boarding/alighting point is a stretch where the doors are possibly open and bus slows down.[The definition of 'slow' is subject to individual ability]

* If you don't have cash to buy your ticket, you can still confidently just say 'PASS' and the conductor will move away. Its a cheat code of sorts..[Caution: Functionality and Interface tests still pending]
* Anything vertical at a deserted location is THE place to relieve yourself of all the internal (osmotic) stresses. [Though I am mentioning this on a lighter note, I am in reality disgusted by the plight of the city brought about by these denizens who lack even the slightest civic sense. Its really painful when they choose to NOT use the 'Pay and Use' facilities provided by the municipality... just to save a rupee or two. Even tiles bearing pictures of gods and sentences carrying expletives seem to have no bearing on them.]
* Busy Bangalorians (or is that Bengalurians?) need not necessarily answer just one 'call' at a time.



And there are some office fundae too..
* Come at any time and leave at any time. Just make sure that your work is completed by the end of the week.
* Listen to anything, Chat with anyone, Browse for anything(if it is not blocked, that is). Just make sure that your work is completed by the end of the week.
* Lunch Break: 12:30 to 1:30 only means that you can have lunch anytime in that allotted slot and soon after that, you come back to your desk. It should not be misread as 'You are free from 12:30 to 1:30. Have lunch, chill out for 1 hour'.
* If writing your weekly report is nothing more than replacing 'Plans' from the previous week's report with 'Accomplishments', you are a demigod from Utopia.
* Lesser mortals can settle down for the following..
# ifndef Plan "Tasks to be completed"
# define Plan "I earnestly wish in heart and soul that"
# endif
* If a water vending machine has two differently coloured taps, with a flashy message containing fine print near one of them, DO READ IT. It usually says 'Hot water. Handle with precaution'. I happened to read it a mouthful of water too late. [I'm sure whoever said 'Education is what you get when you read the fine print. Experience is what comes when you choose to ignore it' belongs to the latter.]

The bottom line is pretty simple. When in Bengaluru, do as Bengalurians do(yeah, I've made up my mind...its Bengalurians).

Friday, 6 April 2007

about: blank

Its been a really long time since I last posted. The fact that I can't find anything interesting to write on is very much bothering me. So much so that I began to think...Why not write about not having any thing to write..!!? As you will soon find out, its a point to ponder. So, I am out here to prove the fact that you can still afford to write something even if you don't have anything to write or who knows, you don't have to write anything!
The former case is a more ubiquitous, the case in point being examination papers. All those last 10 marks definitely belong to this category, the subject being just about immaterial. We always manage to churn out heaps of unintelligible nothings that run into several pages of illegible scrawny writings to get those last crucial marks. You really don't need to know anything of that obscure topic written in neat bold letters right across the face of the page, do you? All that you need to do is just make sure that atleast some the words in the topic keep appearing at regular intervals ( mind you, only these words have to be legible) and the evaluator is more than convinced by your cognitive conception of the topic in question. Bingo, you have your 9 marks !!(Always wondered if these people counted in hex....10 is a looong way from 9).
As for the latter, this post is a brilliant illustration. I am under no obligation whatsoever to write. Yet, I am writing...that I am having to write about not having anything to write. What an irony. All the same, it demonstrates what I initially set out to prove. Think I better wind up before I begin to abuse of my freedom of expression! Long live Blogosphere.

Monday, 19 March 2007

The Day Schi

I belong to this very rare species of students in a largely residential college (if it were to be purely residential, we would never even have existed), fondly called Day Schi. Even after 6 totally disparate semesters, I have not quite been able to gauge, as to if the mathematics of this decision have quite worked out in my favour or not. I have always taken pride in the fact that I am a day schi. But, I still have always been profoundly attached to and become a part the hostel wings of the dearest of my friends. However, situations have often pinched me back to the ground realities...not without a feeling of agonizing bitterness that is...I'm still JUST a day schi. Over the years, its been an achievement in itself to have patiently explained to each one of my (curious/considerate) friends, every single time he/she demanded an explanation to my not being an hostelite. Yet, every single time that I did it, I couldn't help wondering how things have worked into this rather unconventional way. Well...Circumstances.
More than anything else, I (enviably) enjoy great home cooked food. And the fact that my Mom makes a great cook (that is, in addition to being a wonderful Mom) only makes people going green with envy turn purple. So, I have always made it a point to share my good fortune with the (less fortunate) lot. In the early years, it was a mighty easy job to invite a few people home for a grand dinner (not to be confused with its messy counterpart) every now and then. But with every passing year, as we began metamorphose into factions and started occupying entire wings, the proposition of a dinner has become more of an organisational challenge. The only options now are to either call the whole wing home for dinner (that's more than a dozen people) or just do nothing. For all practical purposes, the latter is the easier(or rather, the only) way out. So, an occasional offhand invitation for lunch and packets of tindi are a prudent way of keeping the critics in check. By saying all this, I'm not trying to brag but rather, trying to drive home the fact that an abundance of our species is a benefit for the junta at large.
Living in one's home comes with several privileges, often unnoticed, untill one starts living in a hostel. Plainly put, I dont have to bother about washing my clothes and getting them pressed, I have absolute privacy whenever there is need for any (it includes uninterrupted studying hours on days preceding the exams), I have the liberty to decide when to eat, when to bathe and the list goes on. But there are facets of hostel life which make all this trivial. Privacy jaaye bhaad mein, you have the company of friends in the blocks. Mess food sure sucks but then those chats over the dinner table are something I've always fancied. The birthday GPLs, the overnight movie marathons, the lengthy discussions over topics ranging from Hurley's Marriage to JohnD's wig are savoury experiences that bleach away caustic memories of waterless days, unpalatable meals and dark clammy powerless nights. I'm elated when I get to be a part of most of these. As for rest, shrug! All my luxuries ain't come for free..
We're almost there. Just over a year left before we'll be leaving behind this wonderfull place called Engg. college. Its a slightly different perspective from where I am, but an idyllic one all the same. Despite all the stresses and the strains of being in Tronix, some of which have driven me to the brink of despondency, its all been one cherishable experience, a once in a lifetime experience. I'm probably telling this a year too early, but there's one fact that will make me happier than anything else. No Regrets.